


Best Laid Plans

by ivebeenpossessedbysatan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean/Lisa isn't explict, I promise, I'm Sorry, Infidelity, M/M, Not Beta Read, Public Blow Jobs, So much angst, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 12:43:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13717932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivebeenpossessedbysatan/pseuds/ivebeenpossessedbysatan
Summary: Castiel knew he shouldn't. It was a bad idea, and had been from the very start of it all. But the first time he'd laid eyes on Dean, from the first handshake on, he'd been lost.





	Best Laid Plans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Knowmefirst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knowmefirst/gifts).



> So this was supposed to be posted on Valentines Day, but it turned out to be much bigger than I thought it was gonna be. I'm so very sorry it's so late, but hey! At least I did it.

Castiel knew he shouldn't. It was a bad idea, and had been from the very start of it all. But the first time he'd laid eyes on Dean, from the first handshake on, he'd been lost. Captivated by the green eyes and the faint freckles, the strong arms and charismatic smile. Castiel was sure he wasn't the first affair. And there would probably be more after this thing they that had fizzled out, but Castiel couldn't help it. He was already in too deep. He loved Dean Winchester almost more than he'd ever loved anyone at all. Even if it could lead to heartbreak. Even if it was _going_ to lead to heartbreak.

Castiel had no illusions about what was going to happen. If Castiel was lucky, it would explode violently, with harsh words and accusations, and Castiel could nurse a bit of hate in his heart to hide the hurt. But more likely, it would just...be over. No more phone calls, no more late night meet-ups, no more seedy motels that take cash in exchange for silence. It would all just be...over. After all, that was the way the world ended. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

He should probably end it. Go ahead and get it over with, learn to live with a broken heart. But he couldn't. Wouldn't is probably a more because Dean made him feel alive, made him feel like he mattered more than anyone else in the world. When they were together, it was pure, unadultered bliss. It was only when they were apart, after Dean had left, that Castiel fell into this pit of despair. He rolled over, glancing at the alarm clock blinking on his bedside table. 2:46am. Too early to get up, and too late to justify trying to sleep before his alarm at 4:30am.

Some nights, Castiel was able to convince Dean to stay the night with him, instead of going home to his wife. Those were Castiel's favorite. He could sleep curled up in his lover's arms, the only thing that made Castiel feel anything other than hopeless. It was the only time Castiel slept, really, other than the times when his body collapsed from pure exhaustion. Insomnia wasn't something that was new to Castiel - he'd been suffering from it since he was a teenager.

Castiel rolled over with a grunt, grabbing for the book on his bedside table.  He turned on his lamp, and propped himself up with some pillows. He'd might as well read, since there wasn't anything else for him to do. No one was up this time of night, not that he could talk about what was bothering him with anyone anyway. Admitting to the affair in his head was one thing, but saying it out loud was an entire other. He didn't want to admit that he was a home wrecker.

The book was just beginning to capture his attention when his cellphone rang, playing some stupid pop song that Dean had changed his ringtone to as a joke. Ignoring the swooping sensation in his stomach, Castiel swiped his thumb across the screen, anticipaton curling in his gut. "Hello?"

"Hey, baby." Dean's voiced answered him, like a warm wave crashing over his body.

"Hello, Dean." Castiel said, unable to hide the smile in his voice. God, he was absolutely pathetic.

"Why are you still awake? I figured you would be way asleep by now." Dean asked, concern coloring his tone. When Dean spoke like that, Castiel could almost pretend that Dean really wanted him. That he really cared. But if he did, then he would be next to Castiel right now. Not at home with his wife, probably sitting in his car so there wasn't anyway Lisa would overhear him.

"I just woke back up." Castiel lied. He'd been awake since Dean had walked out the door. "And I couldn't fall back to sleep."

"Oh. I'm sorry I woke you up, baby." Dean said.

"You didn't. But anyway, what do you want? I know this isn't a social call." Castiel said, making his voice light, teasing. Dean didn't need to know what he did to Castiel.

"How do you know I just didn't want to hear your voice?" Dean asked, amusement in his tone.

"Because you wouldn't have risked waking me up for that." Castiel said. "Not when you know how I am without proper rest."

"True. You know me too well, Cas." Dean answered. Castiel almost snorted. He didn't know hardly anything about Dean that wasn't X-rated.

"It would appear so. Are you planning on getting to the point anytime soon? I'd like to get back to sleep at some point, you know." Castiel teased.

"Oh, baby, you know I love it when you get all sarcastic on me." Dean teased right back. Castiel was silent, knowing that it would goad Dean into talking. "Fine. I left my jacket over at your house. Do you think you could bring it to work tomorrow?"

"You left your jacket?" Castiel asked, sitting straight up.

"Yeah, on the chair in your living room." Dean told him, prompting Castiel to out of the bed. A piece of Dean was here, and Castiel hadn't known about it? He kicked himself mentally for not realizing. He walked into the living room, something tight in his chest loosening at the sight of it hanging innocently on the back of the chair. He walked forward, touching the soft leather with the hand that wasn't cradling his phone.

"Cas? Baby, you there?" Dean asked, reminding Castiel that Dean was on the other line.

"Yes, sorry. I was making sure it was still here." He apologized.

"And?"

"What? Oh, yes, it's here." Castiel said, looking up from the jacket.

"Good. Bring it to work tomorrow, would you? Just leave it in your car, I'll get it before I leave for the day." Dean instructed.

"Of course. I might not be able to think up a convincing lie as to why I have your jacket." Castiel said, making Dean chuckle.

"You're probably right. Though I'm sure you could think of something." Dean told him. "You're smart like that." Castiel smiled. Dean did that all the time, coming out with off-handed compliments that made Castiel feel like he wasn't a piece of shit after all.

"I didn't say I couldn't lie. Just that it wouldn't be convincing." Castiel retorted, downplaying the remark. He wasn't all that smart. He wouldn't be in postion if he was.

"Just take the damn compliment, Cas." Dean said, sounding a little exasperated.

"Okay. I apologize." Castiel said immediately, not wanting to upset Dean. His heart ached at the thought.

"Thanks, Cas. One of these days, you're gonna believe me when I say shit like that." Dean promised, his voice gentle.

"Maybe." Castiel said. "I'm sure you'll keep trying in the meantime."

"You're damn right I will." Dean said. "But you should get some sleep."

"So should you."

"True. Goodnight, Cas. I wish I could be there." Dean said, and he even sounded like he meant it. Dean was so good at this.

"So do I." Castiel said, the words 'I miss you' playing on the tip of his tongue. Dean probably heard it anyway. Castiel had always been painfully transparent.

"I love you, Cas." Dean said, and Castiel closed his eyes, holding back the tears he didn't even know were there until they threatened to spill over.

"As I love you, Dean." Castiel said, proud that his voice didn't shake.

"Goodnight, baby."

"Goodnight, Dean." Castiel replied, losing the fight as a tear rolled down his cheek. He heard a click and surrended, dropping his phone. He heard it bounce on the floor, but it wasn't in him to care. He wiped his eyes, cursing himself for the weakness. He so pathetic, it wasn't a suprise that Dean didn't want him beyond sex. When they fucked, it wasn't like Dean had to pay attention to the mess that was inside of Castiel.

By the time Castiel bent down to pick up his phone, he had managed to get himself under control. It wasn't broken (thank God for strong cases) but when he stood up, he remembered Dean's jacket. He should leave it there, gather it in the morning, but Castiel was weak. He picked it up and returned to his bedroom, plugging his phone into the charger before curling up in the bed. Castiel knew how pathetic it was, but that didn't stop him from burying his face in Dean's jacket as he closed his eyes.

 

                                                                                          ***

Dean hung up the phone, the weight of what he was doing settling firmly around his shoulders. He could hear the sadness in Castiel's voice, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. Castiel wouldn't let him in, no matter how hard Dean tried. Not that Dean could blame him. He wouldn't have let the guy that was cheating on his wife, either. With a tired sigh, he stepped out of the Impala, locking the doors and heading inside his house. He tried to be quiet, because it was so late, but it was a moot point. Lisa was on the couch, curled up with the television on in the background. Sound asleep, her long hair fanned out across the pillow. Another pang of guilt passed through Dean's chest. She'd been waiting on him. She always tried to wait for him before she went to bed, if she knew he was going to be home.

Dean stepped up and gently covered her with a blanket. He cut the televison off, and then the lamp. He wasn't going to wake her up now. He looked back at her one more time before he climbed the stairs to their bedroom. He was a piece of shit for cheating on her. He knew that. But somehow, knowing that wasn't enough to make him stop. He was already in too deep with Castiel.

All of this might not have happened if he and Lisa hadn't gotten married so young. Before Dean had figured out what he truly was and what he truly wanted. And it wasn't Lisa. He loved her, sure, but it wasn't in the way he should. Not in the way his daddy had tried to beat into him when he found that copy of _Playgirl_ under Dean's bed. Dean made his way over to the dresser, digging through the drawer until he found the bottle. It wasn't graceful, nor dignified, but he unscrewed the cap and took a long drink anyway. It didn't take the guilt away, but it would help him sleep tonight. 

With tired sigh, he put the bottle back into it's hiding place and closed the drawer. He took off his shirt and tie, stripping down until he wasn't in anything save his boxers and undershirt. He crawled into the bed alone, curling up around the pillow with his arm under head. If he focused hard enough, he could still smell Castiel on his skin. The faint aroma, combined with the cheap whiskey in his system, is what finally lulled Dean into a restless sleep.

 

                                                                                          ***

When Castiel's alarm went off, he hit the snooze button automatically. He shouldn't have fallen asleep when he did last night. Pulling all-nighters was something he was used to, but only getting two hours of sleep wasn't. It had only made him groggy and more tired, but once he'd gotten Dean's jacket (and scent) under him, he hadn't been able to help himself. Sleep had come almost immediately. He closed his eyes, willing it to not be morning yet, but his alarm went off once again. Resigning himself to the fact, he clicked it off and stood up, yawning as he made his way into the kitchen. Maybe coffee would help him out a little.

He got the little pot brewing and went back to his bedroom. Dean's jacket was only and little wrinkled after spending the night on the bed. Castiel picked it up, shook it out a little and hung it on one of the chairs at his little kitchen table, hoping that maybe Dean wouldn't notice. It was one thing to be that pitiful when he only had himself to beat up, but having another person know that he could reach that point was so deplorable that Castiel couldn't think about it.

Pushing those thoughts away, Castiel poured himself a cup of coffee, added sugar and just a splash of milk, and took a sip. He sighed quietly and sat down, opposite of the jacket to drink it. He could almost imagine that Dean was sitting across from him. He shook his head to rid himself of the image. Even if Dean had stayed the night, he'd have left as soon as they had woken up, leaving Castiel alone in the misery that was his apartment.

He hated this place, almost more than he'd ever hated anything in his life. It's wall were painted an off-white, neutral color that he hated. All of his furniture was second-hand, something he had picked up when he first moved to town, when he'd still been young and full of dreams. He could afford to replace it now, he could afford to replace the entire place, actually, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. It provided all his needs for right now.

He finished his coffee more quickly than he wanted to admit. Caffeine was something that almost always made him feel better, at least for a little while. He poured himself another cup, but he didn't have the time to enjoy it like the first. He carried it with him into the bedroom as he picked out his outfit for the day. The same boring clothes, the same boring routine. He went through his almost every day.

Castiel hurriedly downed the coffee on his way to the bathroom. He needed a quick shower, to wash off the smell of the sex he was sure was lingering on his skin. If anything, it had probably gotten worse after all night. He brushed his teeth first, staring down at the sink to avoid looking into the mirror. He didn't need to see what was in the mirror. He didn't want to see what everyone else saw when they looked at him.

He pushed that thought away, shoving it down with all the rest of the things he didn't want to think about. He didn't linger in the shower, choosing to hurry so he could be sure to make it to work on time. Traffic in the city was awful in the morning. Normally, Castiel took the bus, but since he had to take Dean's jacket back to him, he'd have to drive today. At least he wouldn't have to worry about screaming babies or handsy old ladies.

Ten mintues after he stepped out of the shower, he was out the door of his apartment, a travel mug of coffee in his hand and Dean's jacket thrown over his arm. He rode the elevator down to the parking deck, sipping his coffee all the way. He'd have to get more once he got to the office. His mind wondered, thinking of all the things that he had to do when he got to work. There was a sells meeting at 9am, and he had to have a presentation ready or risk enraging his boss. It wasn't the first, or the last time he'd been tasked with something so menial. His boss, Metatron, loved to push lesser tasks onto Castiel, even though Castiel was qualified for so much more.

The parking deck was suprisingly empty, considering the time of day it was. Castiel expected more people to be out and about, getting ready for the morning commute. Oh, well. At least he wouldn't have to deal with the traffic or the inconsiderate and bad drivers until he was out on the road. It would give him a little bit of a reprieve. He got to his car, a 1978 Lincoln Continental, was a source of contention among many of his friends and co-workers. Dean especially hated it, giving the car the unflattering nickname of 'Pimpmobile'. It amused Castiel to see how worked up Dean got about his car. To Castiel, the car was just something to get him back and forth to where he needed to be, and nothing more. Dean cared much more about his vehicles.

Castiel climbed inside, throwing Dean's jacket into the passenger seat as he sat down. He clipped his seatbelt into place and started the car without preamble, backing out of the parking space as soon as the car was in gear. Castiel didn't linger if he could help it. Not to mention, he'd probably be late if he did, given how bad the traffic was. Hell, he might even be late now. It wasn't likely that anyone would notice, not until Castiel was needed. It was an unfortunate part of not being close to any of your co-workers. (Dean being the only and immediate exception)

Once he was out of the parking deck and onto the road, Castiel's mind began to wonder. Maybe Dean would be able to come over tonight, though he rarely did that two days in a row. He didn't want his wife to get suspicous, and being gone too many nights was an obvious sign. Castiel had been sleeping with Dean for almost eight months now and he'd never even laid eyes on the woman who was supposed to be Dean's one and only. Well. He'd never spoken to her anyway.

Dean had no idea, but he'd seen the two of them together before. At one of the office parties that Castiel never attended. Dean didn't know that he was there, but he'd seen her. She was beautiful, too. Tall and dark-haired, with big brown eyes and a figure most men would die for. Seeing her, with her arm slung through Dean's, showing Castiel everything that he would never be able to have with me man he was then only beginning to love.

Even now, the thought ached. It Castiel was stronger, he'd have ended their fling that night. But Castiel, being the weak and jealous creature that he was, had proceeded to text Dean and ask him to come over. He'd then proceeded to fuck Dean into the mattress twice, marking Dean up with his teeth and fingers. He'd left bruises and his hips. It wasn't one of his prouder moments, but Dean still brought up that night, remarking just how much he'd enjoyed how rough Castiel had been.

Castiel was forced out of his train of thought by a horn. The cars in front of him had moved up a fraction and the person behind Castiel obviously thought that the few scant inches would make or break their commute. Tempted as Castiel was to stay where he was, he took his foot off the brake and eased the car forward, hopefully satisfiying the person in the car behind him. He tried to get a look at them, but their windows were tinted so darkly Castiel couldn't see inside. Maybe he should report them for illegal window tints, he thought wryly, inching forward again as the traffic moved. At this rate, he'd never get to work on time.

He was only five minutes late by the time he pulled into the parking deck at work. He found Dean's car with ease, given the other man's penchant for parking well away from the other cars to minimize the scratches and dings. Castiel parked about six spaces away, next to a new Camry so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. Dean would see Castiel's car when he went to his own, and hopefully remember to grab his jacket as he passed.

The elevator ride up was uneventful. Some days he took the stairs, but he obviously didn't have the time for that today. Castiel was alone, since most people who worked in this building were already hard at work. It was actually kind of nice to not have to wait on someone else or to have to stop at every floor for someone to get off or on. His own office was on the ninth floor, and for once, he got to ride all the way there without stopping. Once he was there, he went straight to his cubicle, ready to finalize and finish his presention. Just another day at the office.

                                                                                          ***

Dean wasn't worried at all when Castiel didn't show up on time. He definitely didn't watch his cubicle until the man arrived, looking ragged and tired, a cup of coffee clenched in his hand. It confirmed the inkling that Dean had. Castiel had lied last night. There was no way that he'd been asleep when Dean had called him last night. Castiel didn't look in his direction, just sat down and went straight to work like he always did.

Dean himself had been early, unable to deal with the sad look on Lisa's face this morning. She'd never came to bed last night, though Dean was sure that had more to do with him than the fact that she didn't wake up. He knew that she knew that something was going on with Dean. He and Castiel had been sleeping together for, what, eight months now? Lisa would have had to be stupid to not know. And she wasn't stupid. It was only a matter of time until she confronted him. Dean pulled out his phone.

To: Castiel

I was beginning to think you weren't going to show. DW

He sat his phone down, going back to work because he was sure that Castiel wasn't going to respond with any type of quickness. He was a very dilligent worker. He was suprised when his phone buzzed a moment later.

From: Castiel

Traffic was horrible. And I had to drive today since I needed to return your jacket. CN

To: Castiel

You don't normally drive? DW

From: Castiel

No, I normally take the bus. I hate driving in this traffic. CN

To: Castiel

Well. At least that keeps your far out of sight. DW

From: Castiel

There's nothing wrong with my car. CN

To: Castiel

There's everything wrong with your car, Cas. DW

From: Castiel

Don't you have some type of work you should be doing? CN

To: Castiel

Don't YOU have some work you should be doing? DW

From: Castiel

As a matter of fact, I do. CN

To: Castiel

You're no fun. DW

From: Castiel

So everyone keeps saying. CN

To: Castiel

:( DW

From: Castiel

Seriously, Dean, I have to have this finished by nine. CN

To: Castiel

Okay. I'll leave you alone. Wanna have lunch? ;) DW

From: Castiel

If it will make you stop texting me, then yes. CN

To: Castiel

Great. See you then :* DW

From: Castiel

I don't understand that last emoticon. CN

Dean laughed quietly to himself, putting his phone back in his pocket as he turned back to his computer. As wrong as his relationship with Castiel was, he couldn't help but feel better when the other man was around. They clicked in a way he and Lisa never had. It didn't mean he wasn't a piece of shit for cheating on her, but he couldn't give up what he had with Castiel.

The workday went by as normal, but Dean found himself anticipating lunch. He wanted to be with Castiel, to hold his hand and kiss him. They wouldn't be able to do much more than that in the hour and a half they had for lunch. But Dean didn't mind. He didn't think Castiel would either. When lunch time rolled around, Castiel was no where to be found, so Dean texted him.

To: Castiel

Meet me at my car?

He didn't get an immediate reply, but started down there anyway. His phone buzzed while he was in the elevator.

From: Castiel

I'm already here.

Dean smiled, excitement building his his chest as he willed the elevator to hurry. He wanted to see Castiel. The ride seemed to take forever, but finally he was in the parking deck and making his way towards his car. There weren't many people parked down this way.

Castiel, as promised, was leaning against Dean's car. He looked up as Dean rounded the corner, a smile playing on his lips.

"Hello, Dean." he said, though he made no move towards him. Dean (after checking to make sure they were alone) leaned in to kiss him on the lips. Just a peck, but it made Dean feel better, and Castiel was actually smiling when he pulled back.

"Hey, Cas." he said. "You ready?"

"Of course." Castiel went around to the passenger side of the Impala, climbing inside. Dean would never get over just how good Castiel looked in his passenger seat. Dean followed suit, starting up the car and driving away without a second thought.

"So I'm thinking we hit up some fast food joint and go park." Dean suggested, reaching over to put a hand on Castiel's thigh. Castiel took his hand, lacing their fingers together.

"So this wasn't just a lunch date?" Castiel asked, amusement in his voice.

"Not unless you want it to be?" Dean said, trying to phrase it as a question. Castiel chuckled, squeezing Dean's hand.

"I'm always up for more." Castiel said. They held hands until Dean pulled though the drive-thru. It wasn't likely, but someone might know them here. It hurt Dean's soul a little that he didn't even have to pull away from Castiel. The other man just dropped his hand unceremoniously, looking out the window.

Once the food was ordered and payed for (Dean's treat, despite Castiel insisting that he had his own money) Dean pulled out of the drive thru lane and back into the flow of traffic. He and Castiel had done this often enough that they both knew where they were going from here. There was a small, abandoned store a few blocks from where they were. If one were to park behind it, then they would invisible to anyone - unless said person was looking for that spot specifically.

As Dean turned into the small parking lot, he felt a hand on his thigh. He glanced at Castiel, gave him a quick smile, and then parked the car. In the next second, he had a lapful of Castiel. Dean kissed him back with a chuckle, reaching down to let the seat back to give them both more room.

"Someone is eager." He commented, capturing Castiel's lips as his hands were busy with his tie.

"I know I won't see you for a few nights." Castiel explained, his hands making quick work of Dean's shirt. "I want to make sure I get what I can."

Dean knew that Castiel didn't mean it like that, but the other man's words still made his chest ache. As much as he would prefer to be with Castiel, Dean knew logically that wasn't going to happen. He didn't want Lisa to get suspicous, so he only went to Castiel's once or twice a week. He was almost positive that Lisa knew anyway, but he liked to keep up the illusion. He would cling to it until he couldn't anymore.

A nip to his neck brought his attention to back to Castiel. Now was no time to thinking about Lisa, of all people. He brought his hands up and gripped Castiel's hair to pull him back. "I wish we had time for you to fuck me." Dean whispered, surging against Castiel's mouth. Cas was a fucking amazing kisser. He could make Dean forget anything and everything in a matter of minutes.

"Maybe not." Castiel said, bending down. "But there's plenty of time for me to fuck your mouth." Dean groaned at the thought, wanting nothing more than that right now. He pushed at Castiel, trying to get him off so he could get to his dick. Castiel chuckled, sliding off Dean's lap and into the seat beside him. (Dean absently remembered the food as Castiel pushed it off the seat but there are much better things right in front of him that he was able put his mouth on right now)

Dean made quick work of Castiel's slacks, pulling both them and his underwear down and wasting no time in swallowing Castiel's cock. It had been less than 12 hours since he'd had it, but he still wanted it. He wanted to prove to Castiel that he did want him. It wasn't long before he felt Castiel's hands in his hair, pulling him down as his hips bucked up. Dean relaxed his throat, taking Castiel with ease, even with the slight roughness to Castiel's movements. Dean loved this. He lived for this.

Dean looked up through his lashes, just because he wanted to see the look on Castiel's face. The other man's head was thrown back, his mouth wide open, whispering praises that Dean wished he could hear. Castiel was always very free with his praise. It was one of Dean's favorite things about fucking him. That, and how beautiful Castiel looked when he was lost in pleasure.

                                                                                          ***

Dean's mouth left very little to be desired. He was always willing and eager, sucking Castiel's dick like it was his damn job. It was wonderful, everytime. Castiel could never get enough. "Jesus, Dean." he panted, looking down. Dean looked up at him and winked before he swallowed Castiel, taking him in so far that Castiel felt his nose against his stomach. He arched his back, cursing as he broke eye contact.

It wasn't very long before Dean's mouth undid him. He fell apart with a silent cry, burying himself in Dean's mouth as he came down his throat. Dean worked him through his orgasm, the smug look already in his eyes as he pulled off.

"Was that good?" Dean asked, sitting back. Castiel didn't even have to look at him to hear the smile in his voice.

"You know it was." Castiel took another second, than he sat up and tucked himself back in his pants. At least Dean didn't mind swallowing. It made clean up a lot easier. He looked up when he was finished, and beckoned Dean closer. "I think it's your turn, handsome." he said, sliding across the seat. Dean sat back, spreading his legs as Castiel unbuttoned his pants.

Unlike Dean, Castiel liked to tease before he got down to the main event. He wrapped his hand around Dean's cock, stroking him slow and sure as he teased his slit with his tongue. He liked to make Dean desperate for it before he gave him what he wanted. Dean's eyes were already hooded, his hips twitching up in an aborted attempt to get more friction. It wouldn't take long before he begged.

Sure enough, not even three minutes later, Dean was begging Castiel for more as he rolled Dean's balls in his hand. He knew the easiest ways to make Dean come apart.

"C'mon, Cas, please." Dean begged, his hips twitching up. Castiel finally took pity on him, closing his lips around Dean's cock and took him down all in one motion. The noise Dean made was almost inhuman, even as Dean's hands came to tangle in his hair. He looked up at Dean, making eye contact as he swallowed.

"Oh!" Dean cried, his hands tightening to the point it almost hurt. But that was good. Castiel never minded hurting just a little bit. He and Dean had that in common. Maybe that was why they worked so well together.

Castiel bobbed his head a little faster, aware that their time was dwindling. They'd be missed if they didn't head back soon. He moved onto his knees, bracing his hands on the leather seats so it was easier for him to get Dean all the way into his throat. He didn't ask for it much, but Castiel knew how much Dean enjoyed it when he deep-throated him.

When Dean's hips started to move in small, aborted almost-thrusts, Castiel stopped moving, looking up at Dean to encourage him to fuck his mouth. The hands that had been loose in his hair tightened as Dean took him up on his offer, pushing up into his mouth with abandon as he chased his release.

Dean's orgasm took Castiel by suprise. There wasn't any warning before he felt the warm come hit the back of his throat. He almost gagged, but managed to hold it back as he swallowed. It wasn't his favorite thing to do, but even he had to admit that clean-up was much easier if he did. He pulled off, smirking at Dean. He was panting and looked throughly well-fucked. Dean always looked like that after they got off together.

"Am I going to have to drive back?" Castiel asked, smiling at Dean as he sat back in the seat. Dean just smiled at him as he struggled to sit up and put himself back in his pants.

"Nah, I got this." Dean said, leaning forward to pull Castiel into a kiss. It tasted like both of them, and if he hadn't just come, Castiel might have been getting hard again.

"I certainly hope so." Castiel teased. He didn't want to bring up the time, because they were almost late. He didn't want his time to with Dean to end. One day, maybe. One day maybe they wouldn't have to sneak blowjobs on their lunch breaks.

It was delusional, and Castiel knew that. Dean was never going to be his, not really. Not as long as he still wore that gold band on his finger, signifying to the world that he was taken. A signal that apparently didn't mean anything to Castiel. He swallowed hard, pushing those thoughts back. He couldn't let Dean see them on his face, otherwise he'd start asking questions that Castiel didn't want to answer.

They moved around, fixing their ties and clothes and switching postions so that Dean was fully in the driver's seat again, and that both of them were buckled up. As Dean started back towards the office, Castiel picked up the grease-stained fast food bag.

"Are you hungry?" He asked. The food wouldn't be hot anymore, but it should still be edible. Most of it anyway.

"Sure. I haven't eaten yet today, so I probably should." Dean said, accepting the wrapped burger the Castiel handed him. He picked up his own burger, as well, though he didn't really want to eat it. Dean had bought it for him. He was definitely going to eat it.

The ride back was mostly silent, as both of them were eating. It wasn't as akward as it had been once upon a time. They had lunch together almost every day, after all. It was one of the only times that they could be together without anyone asking questions. Most people at the office knew that they were friends, so it wasn't a strange thing.

After Dean pulled into a parking space that was a little further away, he leaned over and kissed Castiel again, putting one hand on his face to hold him there for a little longer. They were almost late, and didn't really have time for it, but Castiel savored the sweet, tender kiss.

"I wish we didn't have to go back." Dean said.

"I do, too." Castiel agreed. Dean sighed, kissing him one more time before pulling away.

"I love you, Cas. I'll call you tonight if I can get away, alright?"

"Okay." Castiel said, opening the passenger door and climbing out at the same time Dean did. "I love you, too." he added, almost as an afterthought. It was true, though. And it always gave Dean the most beautiful smile when he said it. This time was no exception.

Getting back to work after a lunch date with Dean was always mildly difficult. It took him a moment to bring himself out of that world and back into the one where he wasn't anything more than a mule. Dean always made him feel special in a way nothing else could. And that was why he continued to do this with him.

                                                                                          ***

Castiel was relieved when the work day was finally over. Most of the other workers had already left by the time Castiel clocked out, so both the elevator and the parking deck were deserted by the time he got to them. It was a little spooky, walking to his car alone, but he almost always stayed late. He was used to it.

Dean's jacket was still in his passenger seat. Despite the reminders, he'd forgotten it again. Probably because it wasn't really cold enough for Dean to need right now. Castiel moved it to the backseat, resolving to text Dean about it once he got home. It wasn't likely, but someone could recognize it if he left it in plain sight. It was better to be safe than sorry, after all.

Castiel didn't want to go home to his empty apartment, but there wasn't anywhere else he could go. All of his family lived in other states, and he didn't have any friends he was close enough to. If it wasn't for Dean, Castiel would be well and truly alone. He was the one thing that was keeping Castiel from doing something drastic. It's not like anyone else would miss him, anyway.

                                                                                          ***

The next few days passed in an endless cycle. Wake up, coffee, shower, work, lunch with Dean, more work, then home. Castiel moved through it like a robot. Dean hadn't been able to come over any in that time, but he'd promised he'd be over tonight. Which is why Castiel was standing in a bakery, looking at the different pies they had on display. He wanted to suprise Dean with one of them, though he didn't know which one. Apple was always a good go-to, but nothing could beat a good cherry pie either. It was definitely a dilemma, even though Castiel knew that Dean wouldn't care. Pie was pie to him. He loved all of it.

He made his selection (cherry) and walked over to the counter, taking his place in line behind an elderly lady who was ordering a cake for her granddaughters birthday. He wasn't paying strict attention, letting his mind wander as the lady specified what she wanted. He wasn't in a hurry, anyway.

"It's you." someone said, breaking Castiel out of his daze. He glanced behind him, only to have his heart stop when he saw who it was. Even though he'd never met her, he'd stared at her picture enough to know who it was.

Lisa. Dean's wife. And if the look on her face was anything to go by, she knew exactly who he was, too.

"I'm sorry?" he asked, trying to play dumb in hopes that she'd leave him alone. He wasn't that lucky, but it was worth a shot.

"I saw you." She said. "Driving that old Continental that's parked outside." She glanced towards the door. "Dean's jacket, he forgot it in the backseat. He told me he left it at the office, but I knew better."

"Dean and I are friends. He just left his jacket in..." Castiel started

"DON'T LIE TO ME!" Lisa interrupted. “I’m so sick of the lies! ‘Oh, I was working late tonight, sorry, baby. I’ll make it up to you.’” She quoted bitterly. “I’ve called the office, you know? To see when he’d be home. But he wasn’t there.” Much to Castiel’s horror, he could see tears in her eyes.

“Lisa…” he began.

“NO! I don’t want to hear it, especially not from the guy who’s FUCKING MY HUSBAND!!” She screamed. The little old lady looked scandalized, looking from him to Lisa with a disgusted look on her face. “He used to talk about you all the time, you know.” Lisa said. “And when he stopped, I knew something was up. He would always avoid eye contact when I asked about you.” She was crying now, tears falling from her pretty brown eyes.

“And you know the worst part? I knew. The whole time. Dean never really wanted to marry me. He did it because I was pregnant. Even though it wasn’t his kid and he knew it, he stayed with me.” Lisa sniffed. “I guess this is my punishment, right? For cheating on him when we were younger.” By then, the entire restaurant was staring at him. Oh, god, they all knew that he was an awful person. They knew just how bad he was.

“I can’t believe it…” Lisa said, looking down at the pie in his hand. “He’s not going out with Benny tonight, is he?” She asked, fresh tears welling in her eyes. “No, of course not. He’s been home the past few nights. It’s time, isn’t it?” Her eyes turned mad. “Do you guys shack up at your apartment or are you classy enough to get a motel?” She asked, venom in her tone. Castiel flinched, but he couldn’t do anything. He deserved this and so much more for messing with a married man. He should have known how it would end.

“You know what? Fuck it. I’ve spent too many nights crying over him, wondering why I wasn’t good enough.” She shrugged. “It’s because I don’t have a dick. He’s…he’s always been this way. I was just too delusional to see it.” She squared her shoulders, preparing to walk off until she thought of another thing. “You knew about me, didn’t you?” she asked, and although Castiel didn’t answer, he knew the silence was damning enough. Of course, he had known. The entire time. “You’re the worst kind of person. Didn’t your parents ever teach you not to play with things that weren’t yours?”

Castiel knew that Dean wasn’t really hers, otherwise he’d have never wanted Castiel in the first place. But that didn’t make him a better person. Dean took a vow, and Castiel should have known better than to let him break it for the likes of him. Regardless of what they both wanted.

“I’m sorry, Lisa.” Castiel said, the truth ringing in his words. He didn’t know what else to say. “We didn’t want to hurt you.”

Lisa let out a cruel laugh. “Too late for that.” She said, her tone cold. She turned around once again, flipping her hair as she walked out of the bakery.

Once she was gone, all of the patrons turned to look at Castiel. Some looked sympathetic. Others, murderous. Disgusted. Castiel carefully set the pie back in the display and ducked out of the store, trying to make himself as small as possible.

Castiel was shaking by the time he made it to his car. It took him three tries to even unlock the door, and another five to get the keys in the ignition. He was stupid. Now everyone would know. He wouldn’t be surprised if someone had videoed it. It would be viral by the morning. And everyone he knew, his family, his co-workers…they’d all know what type of person Castiel was. A homewrecker.

The road was blurred by the tears in Castiel’s eyes, but somehow, he made it home alright. It was almost a tragedy, but in the end Castiel was glad. If he died, he didn’t want to hurt anyone else in the process. Once he parked, he texted Dean, canceling their plans tonight without telling him why. He’d know soon enough, anyway. It’s not like Lisa would keep her meeting Castiel quiet.

Castiel’s phone was constantly vibrating, and without looking he knew it was Dean with all his questions. Castiel ignored it. He didn’t want to talk to Dean. He didn’t want Dean to break it off with him. And he knew he would. Once he found out that Lisa knew, then he and Castiel wouldn’t be a thing anymore.

Without Dean, what did Castiel have? Co-workers? They didn’t talk to him other than to exchange pleasantries. His family wanted nothing to do with him. He didn’t have anything without Dean. So what was the point without him?

By the time Castiel got out of his car and was walking up to his apartment, his body had almost stopped shaking. His mind was almost made up, and unlocking the door to his apartment was a lot easier than unlocking his car door. His empty apartment greeted him with silence like it always did. No one was here waiting on him. No one cared about him, not besides Dean. And he’d just lost Dean.

Castiel knew he was worthless. He felt it every day, almost all the time. His feet carried him to the bathroom, and he opened the medicine cabinet like a robot. He was too chicken shit to shoot himself, and he didn’t know where he would get a gun anyway. And cutting himself would be too messy. He didn’t want to leave that mess for someone else to have to clean up. The painkillers he had left over from last year when he’d stretched a ligament in his knee while running would do the trick. He could take the rest and just…go to sleep. Never wake up.

The pills were in his hand before he could make the decision. Without Dean, there wasn’t any reason for him not to. He closed the medicine cabinet, pills in hand, and walked to his bedroom. It would be so easy. And no one would miss him. Would anyone even find him? How long would he lay there?

The questions were whirling around in his head, making it ache. He wanted them to stop. He wanted to stop everything. He twisted the cap off the bottle, glancing down into its contents. There had to be about twenty pills left. Two handfuls, two swallows, and then it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Nothing would. He could just go to sleep.

Castiel poured some the pills into his palm, and shoved them into his mouth. The bottle of water that he kept on his bedside table helped wash them down. Rinse, repeat, until all the pills and the bottle of water was gone. He laid down in the bed, staring at the ceiling as they started to take effect. _It would all be over soon,_ he thought, as the drowsiness pulled at his eyelids. Soon it wouldn’t hurt anymore.

                                                                                          ***

Dean’s heart was pounding in his ears. He hadn’t heard from Castiel in over an hour, despite several calls and messages that had gone straight to voicemail. Lisa had found out. Lisa had found out, found Castiel, and yelled at him in front of the entirety of a small bakery. Where he’d been picking out pie for Dean. Lisa had told him the entire story.

The last thing he’d heard from Cas was that he was canceling their plans tonight. No explanation, no nothing, and he wasn’t answering Dean’s calls or his texts. Then Lisa had come home, and told him what happened. He should probably still be there. Trying to make things up to her. To promise her he’d be a better husband. To beg her not to leave him and take Ben.

But Castiel _wasn’t answering his phone._ That’s why Dean was in the Impala, driving towards Cas’ apartment. He was most likely just ignoring Dean, upset about everything that Lisa had said to him today. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk to Dean.

It that was the case, then fine. Dean could take that. But much more horrible scenarios were running through his head, and he had to know. He would leave once he knew Castiel was okay.

Dean parallel parked in front of the building and got out of his car, trying and failing to not be conspicuous as he climbed the stairs to Castiel’s apartment. Most likely he was fine, and was going to be even angrier at Dean for coming over when he’d specifically said not to. But Dean had to know that he was okay.

Dean knocked on the door, waited a minute, then knocked again. No answer. He knew Castiel was home. He’d seen the monstrosity he called a car in the parking deck. He knocked again, no answer.

“Cas?” he called, trying the doorknob. It came open under his hand, which tied Dean’s stomach in knots. Castiel never left his door unlocked.

“Cas?” he called again, louder this time. Still no answer. The trench coat was draped over the back of a chair, so he knew he was here.

“Castiel?” he called, making a b-line for the bedroom. Ah, there he was. Asleep. Dean crept quietly into the room.

“Hey, Cas. Wake up, babe.” Dean said, reaching out to shake him. Castiel didn’t respond, so Dean shook him harder. “Cas!?” he called, worry building in his stomach again. He moved closer the bed, and that was when he saw the pill bottle on the floor. “Oh, no, Cas. Cas!” Dean shook him, but there wasn’t a response. He fumbled for his phone, dialing 911 as he checked Castiel’s neck for a pulse.

Ah! It was weak, but it was there.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I need an ambulance. My boyfriend is dying. He took a bunch of pills and now he’s not waking up.”

“Okay, sir, does he have a pulse?”

“Yes, but it’s way too faint. What can I do?”

“Just hold tight. What’s your address?” Dean rattled off the address from memory, his fingers fixed over the vein in Castiel’s neck. He needed the reassurance that he was still alive.

The next few minutes were a blur. The paramedics took the bottle of pills that he’d taken, but they wouldn’t let Dean ride with him.

So, Dean was in the Impala, weaving through traffic and trying to follow the ambulance. It wasn’t long before he lost them in the traffic, but they’d told Dean that which hospital they were taking him to. It took everything he had to not argue with them. Ultimately, though, Castiel getting to the hospital was more important than Dean getting there. He’d just have to suffer a few minutes of not knowing. He could do that for Castiel. He would do that for Castiel.

                                                                                          ***

An hour and a half later, Dean was still in the waiting room. He looked up hopefully every time the doors opened, but no one came for him. He wished they’d just tell him something. The not knowing was killing Dean.

A doctor came through the door and looked at him. “Are you here for Castiel Novak?” he asked, as Dean jumped up.

“Yes. Is he okay?” Dean asked, desperate.

“It was touch and go for a while, but yes, he’s stable. We gave him Naloxone, and he seems to be responding to it. He should be fine now.” Dean breathed a sigh of relief, his knees almost going weak. Castiel was going to live.

“Can I see him?” Dean asked.

“Are you family?” The doctor asked.

“I’m his fiancé.” Dean lied. The doctor looked skeptical but finally nodded.

“He’s resting, but yes. We’re going to be moving him out of the emergency unit and into a bed, but you can go see him before then. Follow me.” Dean did as the doctor said, following him behind the doors. Castiel was lying in bed, an oxygen tube in his nose. He almost didn’t notice the woman sitting in a chair by the door. It made sense though. Castiel had tried to kill himself. He was on suicide watch now.

“Oh, Cas, I’m so sorry.” He said, sitting down in a chair beside the bed and taking his hand. “I love you. So much. I’m so sorry.” He closed his eyes, resting his head on their clasped hands. He wasn’t ever going to let go.

                                                                                          ***

The entire world was fuzzy. His ears were buzzing and he couldn’t remember where he was. He opened his eyes and immediately shut them. Lights hurt, too. And what was that noise? That beeping. He wished he could cut it off. It was hurting his head. He opened his eyes and tried to sit up, only to realize that he was tethered to the bed. He reached up, feeling a tube in his nose. What in the hell?

“Careful. You don’t really need that anymore, but the doctors want to keep you on it for a while.” A voice came from his left. Castiel opened his eyes, only to see a smiling woman in pink scrubs sitting in a chair beside the bed. He furrowed his brow, confused.

“Am I in the hospital?” He asked. The woman nodded.

“You are. I’m Hannah. Do you remember how you got here?” She asked.

“I…I tried to kill myself.” Castiel said, suddenly remembering. She nodded.

“Yes. You took a lot of pills, Castiel.” She said. “We’re lucky you’re still alive.”

“I think…was a man here? Dean?” he asked. The memory was fuzzy, but he could have sworn.

“Your fiancé? Yes. He’s was here. He stepped out to get something to eat. He should be back soon.”

Dean had said he was his fiancé? That was almost more confusing than the tubes and the doctors. Castiel nodded, closing his eyes again. He didn’t want to talk. Luckily, Hannah remained silent. Castiel could hear her flipping through her magazine.

“Heya, Cas.” Dean’s voice washed over him. He opened his eyes and looked at Dean.

“Hannah said you woke up. How are you feeling?” Castiel looked around the room and the was surprised that the woman was nowhere to be found.

“The light hurts. Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be at home?” Castiel asked, confused. He’d told Dean not to come over.

“Yeah, about that. I owe you an apology.” Dean sat the coffee cup down. “I’m so sorry, Cas. I’ve put you through hell, and you didn’t deserve any of it.” He smiled. “You’re the best person I know, Cas. I hate the way I’ve been treating you. You’re so much better than I am.” He took his hand. “I don’t know why you felt you had to do this, Cas, but if it had anything to do with me then I’m so sorry I drove you to this. I should’ve stopped it a long time ago.”

Ah. Dean was breaking up with him. Now that he wasn’t dying anymore, Dean didn’t need to be around anymore.

 “It’s alright, Dean. I knew better than to get involved with you in the first place. It was…foolish of me. You can go home to Lisa now. You don’t have to stay with me.”

“Let me finish, please. When Lisa told me what happened I freaked out. You weren’t answering my calls and I…I just had this feeling that something awful was going to happen. I couldn’t…I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, Cas.” Castiel narrowed his eyes, scarcely believing what he was hearing.

“What are you saying, Dean?” Castiel asked, his heart starting to beat faster.

“She gave me an ultimatum.” Dean said. “If I left, then she told me not to come back.” He smiled. “I called. “I can’t lose you, Cas. Coming this close was bad enough. Regardless of what it takes, I want this. I want us.” He kissed their joined hands. “I’ve been an idiot, but I want you.”

Castiel couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Dean had…Dean had left Lisa? And he was here, asking for a chance to prove to Castiel that he could be everything he needed.

“So, if I say no, where are you going to go?” Castiel asked. Dean looked afraid, and shrugged.

“A hotel, I guess. It wasn’t fair of me to keep up this farce of a marriage with Lisa. She deserves better.” Castiel nodded.

“Well, then I guess it’s a good thing I have a king-sized bed.”


End file.
